So.. i really abandoned this blog but in my mind it was not forever.. here i am back and ready to finish the rest of the story with it all in a nice big easy blur behind me!

There was a slightly darker period after my last entry, as i said there was three options with regards to that great scan and the last of the four months of treatment. I said there really wasn’t a bad option but it turned out that one of the options was less welcome that the others at least mentally for me and that was the straw i drew.  

So after the next two chemo treatments i had my CT and went as usual to pick up the CDR myself since i didn’t have an appointment about it until the following week. I went over to a friends with a PC (we since discovered a great medical scan reading program for mac but at the time we thought the disks could only be read on a PC) so i had a good look at my scan and resigned myself to the fact that it really didn’t look like it had changed much. I had some nachos and watched some tv with my friend and tried not to think about two more months of chemo. When i had the appointment with my doctor and the nurse he told me that the mass had shrunk a good deal width wise but it was still longer than he would like and since the chemo wasn’t really making me sick he wanted to continue to six months. I hadn’t really considered the length of the mass at all and later when we got the better viewing software i could see what he meant, it had gone from being like a grapefruit to a hot dog kind of. So where i felt i had breezed through the first four months i guess i was a bit more hooked that i realized about leaving it at that. 

The next chemo was the worst one and i am pretty convinced that it was because i really didn’t want it. i dropped my brave face and pulled my hat down, jammed my earphones in and stuck my arm out. I felt sick and awful for about a week and then finally snapped out of it.. i had another show to play for CMW and dove into that. i got a wig and really wondered why i waited so long! I still hadn’t shaved my head at that point, still having bangs at the front and the sides and wearing hats but it was not good underneath. I was nervous to take off my hat in front of people of course but found a wig place on Avenue Road and went in one afternoon just to see what it was like. Right away i was put at ease by the amazing nice man who was soft spoken and welcoming and there was a private room where they do the fittings. I made the appointment and got a really cute 60’s kind of bob. It was the first wig i put on and i loved it right away. It was comfortable and maybe the next day we finally shaved what was left of my hair and i keep saying ‘why did i wait so long?’ I think i thought i was going to feel fake or that people could tell but i realize i had nothing to worry about. 

So with my new wig and my newly shaved head and playing shows i was definitely in a different place. I breezed through the rest of chemo though i did go again to emergency (in a snowstorm) for antibiotics for another cold. The most emotional thing was at the last chemo. I still can’t really figure out why but it was all i could do to keep it together for the two hours it takes. At fist i requested my favorite nurse and they told me he was on another ward so i couldn’t have him. For some reason this was a crushing blow but i had gifts for him and my other favorite nurse. I found him in the other ward and told him what had happened but he said that was crazy so he sorted it out that i could be with him in this other ward. As usual he was so kind and amazing and almost seemed a bit tense getting the IV line in, letting out a big sigh when he was through he said ‘I do it every day but when you’re doing it for your friends it makes you nervous!’ so sweet.

When i was finally done ‘every last drip’ as my nurse always says, with his arms waving he rallied people and other nurses to come over to the big gold bell you ring when you are finished all your chemo. Again for some reason i was fighting back tears and they didn’t seem to be tears of joy, i can’t think why. Still choking them back i rang that golden bell and gave my nurse a big hug of life.. i tried to put into it all the gratefulness i could and tried to tell him with my watery eyes and no words how much i appreciated him being so amazingly kind through such a vulnerable time for me. I found my other nurse to give her her gift and apologized and marveled at my tears and she said that it is not unusual at all, that people feel like an umbilical chord is being cut and that they are not ready to go. I think it was some of that but i think also i was just very moved by their kindness and would miss them. Maybe i am not too good at moving on or saying goodbyes. Needless to say it didn’t take long before i began to feel more celebratory. My family came over for sushi and we quietly rejoiced.